“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
This was a day I was going to spend with my husband – have some “us” time. I (unfortunately) mentioned to Mom that we were thinking of going to Denny’s knowing full well that she wouldn’t want to go because “that place that always makes me sick” couldn’t possibly be where she’d want to eat. WRONG! Funny thing tho, every time she goes there she orders so much food and takes home all the leftovers.
When we got home I knew my husband was ready to spend some “alone” time with me, so I got Mom settle into her place, made sure the Denny’s leftovers were in sight, and then (unfortunately again) mentioned that I was going to ask my husband if he wanted to go for a drive in the Porsche. Earlier I was telling Mom how much he loves that car but doesn’t drive it much, so I figured she’d understand. Funny Mom…. she sit’s on the bench in her kitchen (still holding her 5 lb purse) and says, “OK, I’ll just wait here to see if he wants to go – I’m coming, right?” Sorry Mom, the Porsche is a 2-seater. Right about now I’m thanking my husband for buying that car!
So off we went for our nice drive, just the two of us. I told my mom we were going for a short drive – BIG mistake… Ring, Ring! “Where are you? You said you were going for a short drive and it’s been a while – I was worried. Maybe you can just call me every time you’re going to be late, that way I won’t worry.” Aarrgh! What am I…. 12?!!
After that incident stressed me out, my husband told me that I shouldn’t be reporting to my mom every time we go out, or come home late, or basically anything. Just because she’s living next to us shouldn’t mean we have to start reporting to her. We never called her and told her our itinerary when she lived in Florida, why would we start now? That’s when I knew I had to have a talk with my mom – you know, “strike while the iron is hot” sort of thing.
So when we got home I stopped at my mom’s to have a little chat. I basically told her that I wasn’t comfortable having to report to her my whereabouts – I’ve never done that before and I was afraid that if I start doing that and then forget one time it would make things worse. I’ve never had to think about letting someone know what I’m up to and I just didn’t want to start. (Obviously if she were expecting us and we were going to be late or something, that would be different, but just normal day to day events is something that doesn’t need to be shared).
Sure it was difficult having that talk with her- she wasn’t a happy camper – but it had to be done. And yes, it probably came across nasty, but boundaries have to be set right from the start. I know from past experience that it’s harder to change something if you’ve started it than to not start it at all.
What I Learned: For you own sanity, tell it like it is – even if they don’t like it.
Tag Archive | stress
Caring For An Elderly Parent: A Truly Shitty Day
“This is supposed to be the time of my like – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
Today was quite an interesting day – actually, it was a shitty day…. literally! I awoke very early to a horrible smell; I’m thinking, what could that possibly be? I opened the bedroom door and there all down the hallway were piles of shit…. dang dog! And what had she been eating??? Eewww! Usually my husband has the lucky task of picking up the dog doo, but I wasn’t going to wake him so early for this mess. So I got that all cleaned up, patted Whitney on the head and told her it was OK (she obviously wasn’t feeling well – poor thing), let her out back and jumped back into bed for what was left of my zzzz’s.
A few hours later I am awakened again – this time to the phone ringing next door at my mom’s (remember, our walls are attached). Of course she didn’t answer it – she never answers her home phone. I knew right away that my phone would be ringing next because the Lifeline people were going to call around 9 AM to let us know when they’d be stopping by to install her equipment. Yup, it was them confirming they’d be here around noon. Yay…. more snooze time! NOT! My mom knew that Lifeline would be there between 9 and 2, but what happened next was completely unexpected. Tap, Tap, Tap on our bedroom wall…. “Are you up?” Ughhh! Really? Ignore. Tap, Tap, Tap. OK, I’m up!
And just so you know, the OK, I’m up was in my head. My husband and I made one “absolute rule” – if my mom ever knocked on our bedroom wall or called us through the wall, we would ignore her. It’s like training a dog (bad example), it’s like teaching a small child – there have to be rules. Obviously if it were an emergency we’d treat things differently, but this was not.
So I got out of bed, put the coffee on and decided to give Mom a call on her cell to let her know when Lifeline would arrive. Straight to voice mail…. hhmmm, that’s weird, she has her cell with her at all times. OK, I’ll head next door and let her know. After I told her she asked why I didn’t just call her so she could have gone back to bed (geeze!). So I explained that I tried calling her cell but it went straight to voice mail. Then she said to me, “Oh, I think my cell phone is in the toilet.” WHAT? I ran to the bathroom to check it out – no phone in the toilet…. pheww! Then she says, “And don’t flush it because I already did and now the water is coming up to the top.” You’ve got to be kidding…. she flushed it?!!!
After my husband checked things out, sure enough the cell phone had been flushed. Three hundred and fifty dollars later, the plumber had pulled the toilet, dumped the toilet upside down in our courtyard, and “kerplunk”! Out flopped the cell phone. My mom actually wanted to keep it because “it is waterproof” (it was not), but once I told her it was covered in shit…. she declined. Off to Sprint to buy a new phone!
Oh, and the reason she dropped her phone in the toilet? California….. the toilets are lower!
What I Learned: There has to be rules. (Oh, and the toilets are lower in California!)
Caring For An Elderly Parent: The 5 Pound Purse
“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
Mom is actually looking and feeling so much better than when she first arrived – it didn’t take long to figure out that she needed social and mental stimulation. And I think the new reading glasses we got her have changed her life – she can see! She even asked us to get her 3 more so she can spread them out around the house.
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it in earlier posts, but my mom has this purse that she basically keeps everything important in… well, everything SHE thinks is important. I swear her purse weighs more than she does! Honestly, the purse is so heavy she looses her balance and I’m terrified she’s going to do a face plant one of these days. Everyone keeps telling her she needs to empty half the stuff out and get a smaller one – that thing is going to kill her!
So this was the night I was going to attack that purse – well sort of. We spent over an hour going through it trying to figure out what she really needs and what she could do without. Finally I said, “Mom, you’re a hoarder, admit it, you’re a hoarder!” But she’s in that “deny til you die” stage. She didn’t even want to part with a business card from Sears she’s had in there for the past 15 years – “I might want to buy a new TV from him, he was nice.” I explained to her that we most likely would not be back in Florida to buy a TV, but she argued that we might, and she could have it shipped out if the price was better (which I’m sure it would be since it’s not California!).
After a long debate, the business card finally went in the garbage. You can’t imagine the things she has in there – and most things are wrapped in paper towels so they are hidden (from unscrupulous characters, I presume) – like how hidden can they be? Just unwrap the paper towel!
So we weighed the purse before we went through it (her idea, not mine – probably to prove to me that it “doesn’t weigh a ton.”) – 6 pounds. And after we evacuated a few item? 5 pounds…. whoohoo!
It’s a start….
What I Learned: Bottom line…. my mom is stubborn!
Caring For An Elderly Parent: Is There An Upside?
“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
So, I really think Mom is starting to like her new digs – she seems to be settling in quite well. She’s still apprehensive about being alone at night and asks me to stay “just 5 more minutes” every night. My husband says how proud he is of me for standing my ground and telling her “no”, but I just think I sound mean. There’s not really a nice way of saying no…. no matter how you say it, it’s still no, right?
My husband and I take nightly walks – mainly to destress and talk about what we are feeling and and how we can help each other deal with our new situation. I am so lucky to have my wonderful husband who is understanding and caring. I’ve talked with so many people who are in our same situation and they tell me it’s a real strain on their relationship. There is no way I want that to happen – my husband will always come first and I will always consider his feelings before I do or make any decisions concerning my mom. I can’t believe my husband is doing this for my mom – it’s a huge undertaking. Is that the right word? Undertaking? It just sounds so final!
The main thing I want is for my husband and me to have “our” life – the life we are supposed to have when the kids are grown and off doing their own thing. I’m afraid our life is going to be put on hold – I just hope we can enjoy it when we do get it.
Wow! This post is pretty negative. There has to be an upside to our situation…. I guess the upside is that my mom is so much better off being near us. I haven’t found an upside for me and my husband, but I’m working on it.
What I Learned: Having a supportive “significant other” is half the battle.
Caring For An Elderly Parent: That Costs How Much?
“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
Mom has a hard time understanding prices of things – I’m pretty sure she’s still lost in the 50’s. The other day we went to Whole Foods to get her a few things but she just couldn’t believe how expensive everything was. And it was definitely way more expensive than Florida. Yup! That’s California for ya Mom. Even when she bought the exact same items she was used to buying in Florida she would tell me “it doesn’t taste the same – it must be California.”
The other day we took Mom to Dairy Queen – she was craving a cone from there because she used to go to one in Florida but hadn’t been in years. Now that we are taking her everywhere I think she wants to get everything she’s been missing. So we got there and she asked for a “baby size vanilla cone” which, of course, they don’t have because they did away with them in 1990! All they had was a small cone, which she agreed to buy, and pulled out $1.50 from her wallet. Whomp! She nearly fell over dead when she was told “that’ll be $3.89.” Well, as you can guess, the ice cream just didn’t taste like it did in Florida. That’s right Mom, in California they put the price up and take the taste out – damn Dairy Queen!
And I won’t even tell you how much the bill was for the dinner we had – Mom couldn’t believe it. And then she had to argue with my husband about how much of a tip to leave. Really Mom? A couple of bucks? You’re the one who wanted to go there.
I guess we’re going to Denny’s next time!
What I Learned: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
Caring For An Elderly Parent: Not Denny’s!
“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
Today we made a major breakthrough with Mom – she went to Denny’s with us! I know, it’s not fine dining or anything but hey, I have an AARP card which gives us 20% off AND 1 dollar coffee after 4 PM. Plus, they’ve got to know us as regulars (I know… sad) and we get great service – how can you beat that? We can all use a financial break now and then, right?
This was the first time in weeks that we’ve been to Denny’s because we’ve been catering to Mom and going where she wanted – but that’s OK, it’s been years since she’s had people around to take her places. I must admit, she has certainly been enjoying herself – did I mention that she loves to eat out? The only place she wouldn’t eat though was Denny’s – I think she had a bad experience at one in Florida. But I finally just said to her that we were going there and if she wanted to join us she could. Well… she didn’t want to go there but she wanted to go out, so off we went!
Before we even got there I knew she’d complain about everything – and she pretty much did while we were there. But when we got home she actually said she enjoyed herself and the experience was a good one. Wow! And here I thought Denny’s would be the one place my husband and I could get away – I know…. sad.
What I Learned: Don’t underestimate a “hungry, I want company, I want to go out” Mom!
Caring For An Elderly Parent: First Week With Mom
“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
The first week having Mom live with us in California has certainly been an adventure! And my husband and I can’t believe the improvement we see in her from the day we arrived in Florida to moving her out here.
The other day I came out of our place and Mom was actually sitting in the courtyard. I can’t remember Mom ever wanting to be outside (being allergic to light and all), but there she was sitting there with her dark sunglasses and heavy sweater. Did I mention it was 86 degrees out! I’m not sure how long she was sitting there because she gets confused with time, but I had mentioned earlier that we’d be going out when we were finished what we were doing. I guess she only processed the “going out” part. But hey, she was getting some sun and seemed to enjoy it; I guess we’ll just have to start wording things differently.
And what’s with her having to be on a schedule anyway? Yesterday I told her I was going to have a shower and then we’d go out; well I got to doing other things first and obviously (for her) took longer than expected. She called out her back door to my husband (who was working in the garage) questioning where I was. He knew I had just jumped in the shower so told Mom that, but she had to argue with him – “She can’t be taking a shower because she already had one. She must be doing something else.” Yea, I was doing something else alright – trying to de-stress in the shower! 🙂
But things are going pretty well considering how new this is to all of us. We’ve been trying to keep Mom busy so her mind is not focused on Florida. My husband gave her the task of folding the paper that came in her boxes from the move (you never know if she’ll need it again!) – you should have seen the perfectly placed piles around her chair in the living room – too funny! I’m pretty sure she loved having something important to do.
What I Learned: Everyone has their own way of going about things – try to understand.
Caring For An Elderly Parent: Moving In!
“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
“What do you mean you’re at the front door!? You said you’d be here after the new year!” Crap! The movers arrived New Year’s Eve at 8 AM. Mom was down the street at the hotel and we hadn’t finished figuring out where things were going because we thought we had a few more days! Arrhhhh! OK, let’s get this done. My husband dealt with the movers while I’ll ran and got Mom.
Once we got the day going everything fell into place. We got all Mom’s things moved in and situated where she wanted them. For some reason Mom was obsessed with her dining table – when it was brought in it was apart (obviously) and Mom couldn’t wait to tell the movers to make sure they put it together. Every time they came and went Mom would mention about putting the dining table together. We told her not to worry, they’d put it together when they were finished bringing everything in, which they did – with Mom (of course) instructing them every step of the way.
The day was somewhat stressful, but we got through it. Mom was tired, which was probably a good thing since it was her first night alone in the house. My husband and I didn’t know what to expect with having our new neighbor all moved in. You may recall from my February 10 post Choices, Challenges and California that our houses are attached. The only bad thing about being attached is that our bedroom is attached to my mom’s bedroom – not so sure how that’s going to work out.
Let’s just hope we don’t get any knocking on our wall tonight!
What I Learned: Be Patient – Mom will adjust (and hopefully so will we!).