Tag Archive | parent

Caring For An Elderly Parent: What Next?

Feb3

Blog - Pic3“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”

OK, where do we go from here? Mom clearly does not want to leave her home, but we have to do something – being alone was certainly playing a toll on Mom’s mind and I realized more and more that if we let her stay in that situation she would go down hill quickly – we can’t let that happen.

My husband and I were definitely more aware of Mom’s situation after talking with people and reading a lot about the elderly. I know now how important it is to not be alone – especially when you’ve lost or given up your driving privileges and are confined to your home. That’s when the mind starts being lost – that’s my interpretation from witnessing my Mom’s actions.

Our trip to help Mom was unsuccessful (although we did learn that she definitely needed help) and being back in California was only going to make things more difficult to figure out. I was keeping my siblings up to date on Mom’s situation – they both live in another country and are very busy people with a lot going on in their own lives as well, so trying to come to some sort of an arrangement for Mom was difficult. One thing we all agreed on was that Mom could not stay in her home alone any more, and a senior facility in Florida was not an option; not only because Mom was adamant about not living in one, but who would keep an eye on not only Mom but on the people who are caring for her? That’s a real concern for me.

Maybe my brother or sister would like to have Mom “visit” for a while?

What I Learned: For a healthy body and mind we need to stay active and socially involved.

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Senior Facility Tour

Jan31

Blog - Senior Facility Tour4

We talked to Mom about the senior facility around the corner – she knew people who had lived there and thought it was a nice place. I’m pretty sure looking at it will make her realize that she doesn’t have a lot of options here. So Mom agreed to go look at it with us – I think for more of an outing than a place to live – but we thought we’d give it a shot.

As soon as we stepped into the lobby of the senior facility I got a sick feeling in my stomach. Sure it was a beautiful building and well kept, but unfortunately for me, seeing elderly people sitting in wheel chairs all alone made me feel bad for Mom. I never thought of her being that old or dependent. So, we met with the Director in her office who explained how everything worked, and it all sounded great. Then I looked at Mom and she had this look on her face that said, “Do you really want to dump me here?” Talk about feeling guilty! But we continued on the tour and checked out the apartments (which were obviously much smaller than Mom is used to), and went into the dining room, library and courtyard. Mom was quiet the whole time.

And to make matters worse, just before we left, the Director pulled me aside and told me I better get Mom a walking aid because she was very unstable on her feet and would probably fall. I can’t believe I didn’t even notice or think about that! I’m pretty sure Mom thought she was just fine, being so independent and all. Not only do I have to figure out how to help Mom, now I’ve got to worry about her falling.

Well, that “outing” sure didn’t go well – there was no way Mom would move there. So much for that plan!

What I Learned: Be sensitive to their feelings.

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Plans, Planes and Paranoia

Jan24

Alright, the first plan was set in motion – Mom, reluctantly, agreed to visit us in California. My husband and I were going to fly out and fly back with her. I know Mom pretty well and she seemed to be hinting that she may not be able to travel because she had ‘so much to do to get ready’. I kept reassuring her that everything would be great and that she shouldn’t worry about the house, she can take care of it when she gets back. Really I was thinking ‘let’s just get her out here and figure everything else out then’. Then I turned to my husband and said, “I bet you any money she won’t come”, but our plans went ahead and we flew to Florida not knowing what to expect when we arrived.

Everything was going along quite well considering Mom didn’t really want to go to California. She had her suitcases spread out over the living room floor, although it looked like she wasn’t ready to go. My husband and I stayed positive Blog - Plans, Planes and Paranoia6and talked about how much fun we’d have and how great it would be to be around family. Not only that, but she’d be able to be involved with her grandson’s life (which is pretty crazy – but that’s another blog) and get to know him. After all, she really only knows our kids from our once a year visit to Florida at Christmas.

So we started talking with Mom about things we needed to do to get ready for the trip, like stop the mail, make sure she had important papers packed, any medications, etc. I could tell she was very uncomfortable about leaving and I realized that this plan was not going to work. She told us that she is not comfortable flying and is just too scared to get on a plane (for reasons I don’t understand until later in our journey). Oh boy, what do we do now?

Next plan.

What I Learned: Don’t underestimate the power of a determined Mom!

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Home Care or Elsewhere Care?

Jan20

Blog - Senior Care“This is supposed to be the best time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”Blog - Home Care3                                                                                                                                                

What were our options? We know Mom doesn’t want to leave Florida, so maybe we could have someone stay with her on a regular basis, either live in or live out. No, Mom would never go for that – she’s too quirky about her space and has never really enjoyed being with people. And how much would that cost? I know Dad has provided well for Mom and her finances are in great shape, but will they stay in great shape spending that kind of money – it’s got to be expensive.

How about move her to a senior living facility? There’s one right around the corner from her house, maybe we could convince her it’s the right thing. She’ll still have her independence but will have all the advantages of transportation, 24 hour security, activities (although she’d never participate), and the choice of eating in her apartment or joining others in a dining room – Mom does love to eat! Maybe the first step is to see if she’ll come out to California for a visit, stay near us for a month or so and maybe she’ll realize how important it is to be around family. WOW, that’s going to take some convincing.

Let’s get started!     

What I Learned : Do a lot of soul searching and try to figure out what’s best for Mom.

                                                                                 

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Crossroad

Jan17

“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”

Blog - Senior Care1

So after many hours of  discussion we  are at a crossroad; what the heck are we going to do with Mom? Then one day my husband said to me that we should bring Mom out here to live near us. Well I’m thinking he’s lost his mind – has he forgotten how difficult my mother is to be around? But he’s serious. He said, “We have to do something  – we’ll just have to convince her that it’s the best thing for her.”

I’m thinking YIKES! That’s a huge step. I really love my life the way it is – my husband and I are  finally able to enjoy just the two of us. We’ve even started looking at condos to buy so we can get away whenever we want and not worry about property to deal with. Now that we are moving into the next stage of our lives – empty nesters – how were we going to make this work? Everyone we talked to about our situation said the same thing – “Don’t do it!” Really? Well we couldn’t just leave her alone in Florida to deteriorate – we had to do what’s best for Mom.

What I Learned: That some things are more important than selfishness.

 

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Mom Should Be So Thankful!

Jan13

Blog - Puzzle

“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”

After a lengthy conversation with my husband, which included a whole lot of “what the heck are we going to do?”, I decided I better start doing my homework on dealing with an ageing parent. I started reading a lot about dementia – Wow! Is this what Mom might be going through? Poor Mom. One thing I learned about dementia from reading WebMD is that depending on why it started it may be treatable; there may be hope for Mom.

I have a lot of mixed feelings going on – I feel really bad for my mom and I’m quite worried, but I’m also feeling guilty. We talked with Mom on more than one occasion about moving closer to family so she’s not alone, but she just doesn’t want to leave her home. Understandable – she’s comfortable there and is very familiar with her surroundings, and California is the last place she’d want to live.

So why do I feel guilty? More reading and trying to understand the process – and it’s a long one! The only thing that is keeping me together is my wonderful husband. He is so caring and helpful in so many ways – here I am falling apart and he’s picking up the pieces and putting the puzzle together. What conspires over the next few months I can honestly blame on him – and Mom should be so thankful.

What I Learned: Having emotional support is half the battle…. thank you luv!

 

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Mom’s Back Story

Jan10

Blog - Excercise Equipment

“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”

Here’s a little back story on my mom:

She was 87 years old (at the time we realized she needed help) and had been living in her house for 35 years – 17 years without Dad. She stopped driving about 3 or 4 years ago and maybe got out once a week for groceries. She’s always been a bit of a recluse, sleeps during the day and stays up all night, and seems to have a problem with sunlight…. hmmm, maybe she’s part vampire? I’m pretty sure the mind starts playing tricks when you sit alone in the dark for long periods of time; that’s got to be bad for her, right? No wonder she’s seeing and hearing things.

Mom has been a vegetarian for about 20 years and has always been in good health. Unfortunately with not driving and having limited time at the grocery store when she did get there, she started buying items that were easy to grab and easy to make – soup! No wonder her energy level went down. The other thing Mom was never in tune with is exercise- she basically did none. But she did have some ancient exercise machine that she used “all the time“! Right……

What I Learned: My mom is not invincible like I thought, she needs someone to look after her now.

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                         

Caring For My Elderly Parent: The Beginning (Or Maybe The End)

Jan6

Blog - Ghosts

“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”

Honestly? I never gave it any thought about caring for my mom. She’s always been so independent…. you know, she’s Mom. I wouldn’t say we are “close”, but we had a good relationship growing up. We would have our late night talks – she gave me advice, I told her I didn’t want her advice – the usual mother daughter stuff. I was much closer to my dad but he passed away many years ago and Mom has been on her own ever since.

So when that phone call came from security where my mom lived telling me that she was calling them frequently because of intruders in her house, the first thing I thought was “what has happened to her neighborhood?” Then the head of security told me there were no intruders in her house and I asked how he could be so sure. He said because the people Mom was hearing and seeing lived in her attic and floated around the house. Holy cow! What was going on? The word “dementia” came up a few times when I talked to the head of security – apparently he went through a similar situation with his dad.

Looking back I thought the signs of my mom ageing were few, but I realize now that there were many – I saw them, I just didn’t acknowledge them. When she stepped on the gas instead of the break and drove through the wall at her accountant’s office I did give it some thought, but her willingness to stop driving made me feel she had her wits about her, and she told me she knew what the problem was –  it was the car’s fault! I chalked up the loss of memory and difficulty finding words to just getting older – it happens, but I have to admit that the floating people, hearing music, people living in her attic and the man dancing across the street at three in the morning were signs that something was really going on – we just didn’t know how to deal with it. The one thing we did know is that we had to get to Florida to figure things out, but with living 2500 miles away with a busy schedule it was not going to be easy.

What I Learned: Life really creeps up on you, and although scary at times, it’s good to be aware.