Tag Archive | ageing

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Ring, Ring – Where’s My Cell Phone?

May30

Blog - Pic 99

I‘ve heard that elderly people misplace things, and now I’m seeing first hand what that’s like. I’m guessing the cell phone is an easy target for loss since it’s one of those items you like to have with you all the time – it makes sense that you’d leave it behind somewhere.

Lately, Mom has been misplacing her cell phone a lot. She’ll call me from her home phone (which she never uses and I can’t believe she knows how to work) freaking out about not being able to find her cell phone. So I’ll call her cell phone from my phone hoping she’ll hear it and know where it is, but unfortunately Mom can’t hear it. That usually means I have to actually go over to her place and call her cell phone from there.

The other day I did just that. I walked in her back door and dialed her cell phone. I could hear it ringing right away but Mom could not. With Mom following me, I headed down the hall toward her bedroom pushing the redial button on my phone so her cell phone would keep ringing. Still, Mom couldn’t hear it. When we arrived at her bedroom door her cell phone was ringing away beside her bed; still, Mom couldn’t hear it. I pointed in the direction of her bed and let her know it was there and finally she heard it ringing.

Mom was so surprised to find her cell phone there because she said she had just looked there moments ago and it wasn’t there. I could tell that she was confused about losing the phone but she never wants to admit that she, herself, could be “losing it” (if you know what I mean).

Usually when Mom gets like that she finds some way of blaming me, and this situation was no different. We were sitting in her living room talking about her cell phone being lost and she asked me if I put it in her bedroom. Huh? Why would I do that?, I asked. She said I probably put it there for a joke. A joke? That’s not funny, I told her. I wouldn’t do that. I’m not so sure she believed me.

So after a few times of going over to Mom’s to help her find her cell phone, I decided to tell her that she could find her cell phone herself by using her home phone to call it. She looked at me with a dazed look and tole me she didn’t know her cell phone number. Well that probably makes sense since she never calls herself. So I wrote her cell number down on a piece of paper and stuck if by her chair in the living room and explained to her how to do it.

Now I’m wondering if I’ve created less of a problem or more of a problem…. time will tell!

What I Learned: Denial seems to part of the ageing process – at least in my mom’s situation. 

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Why Is The TV Talking To Me?

May26

Blog - Pic 96“This is supposed to be the time of my life, the nest if empty; but now Mom needs me.” 

I spoke with a friend not long ago who was telling me about his mother’s hallucinations, how she was always talking to an old friend. I asked him if he ever told her that her “friend” wasn’t really there and he said,”No.” At the time I thought it was weird that he wouldn’t try explaining to his mom that no one was there, try to bring her back to reality, but now I get it.

Before my mom moved out here she told me that she was hearing people talk to her through the TV when it was on – she thought someone was spying on her from the cable company. She cancelled service and hadn’t had TV for quite sometime. When Mom moved out here I though it was a good idea to have TV so she would have something to do – there are some great movies on the classics channel and there is a classical music channel I thought she’d enjoy.

Well it was great for a while, but now she’s back to hearing voices in the TV again. And this is on the music channel where there is no singing – just classical music. Mom tells me she hears people singing happy birthday and talking about pie – and have even mentioned her name! But for some reason I never hear it when I’m at her place…. hmmm, weird.

So yes, I have tried going down that path of telling Mom that she’s hearing things that aren’t there, but she just won’t believe it. She truly believes there are people in her TV talking, singing, or whatever. I guess it’s not really like “in her TV” but people in the studio talking over the music. She keeps saying to me, “Why is the TV talking to me?”

Now I’m just going with the flow. I don’t want to upset her be making her think she’s crazy, so now I just respond to her question by saying, “Isn’t that strange? There must be a glitch at the studio.”

And to my friend who told me about his mother’s hallucinations? I get it.

What I Learned: The mind is a very powerful tool.

 

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Everyone’s Deaf But Mom

May23

Blog - Pic 95“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”

It’s Sunday evening; my husband and I are having a wonderful time relaxing in our cabana, listening to the serene sounds of the night…. oh, and my cell phone ringing for the 4th time! Yes, it’s my mom. I let it go to voice mail enough times so I better pick up because she must truly be dieing this time. Sorry…. a little stressed!

Nope, not dieing….. just hearing noises in the garage. So while I’m talking to Mom my husband walks around to the garage to check things out. Mom must have caught a glimpse of him because she started called his name. Well, my husband knows that if he answers her she’ll talk his ear off and try not to let him go – and did I ever mention “the list” she has for him? YIKES! There’s always something she needs done around her house – I’m sure it’s just her way of having company – I get that.

So as Mom calls my husbands name I see him walking back to the cabana, realizing I’ve already told her that he was out there…. oops! So now my mom starts going on about how deaf my husband is because he never seems to answer her when she calls him. Hmmm, I wonder why? So I just agree with her about my husbands hearing problem – it’s so much easier.

Speaking of “the list”…. while I’m talking with Mom she mentions that her back door knob is making a funny noise and could my husband look at it – she’s afraid it’s going to get stuck or fall off and she won’t be able to get out (hello…. front door?). Even though my husband just tightened it about a week ago, I told her I’d have him look at it – then quickly said “but it won’t be tonight”, because I knew she’d be waiting at her door for him.

So tonight I’m visiting with Mom and she asks me if my husband is feeling better. I questioned what she meant (because he wasn’t sick or anything) and she said, “Well he must be sick if he didn’t come over last night to look at my door knob.” So when I got home I told my husband what she had said, so he decided to go over and look at her door knob – knowing full well that it was fine.

With tools in hand and a smile on his face, my husband looks at Mom’s door knob. She says to my husband, “Your wife must be deaf because she can’t hear the “clicking” noise the door knob is making.” Really Mom??? So my husband tightens it, he un-tightens it, and sprays it with WD-40 (which fixes everything, by the way!) and now everything is ticketyboo (as Mom says). For now, anyway.

Cross one item off the list!

What I Learned: Being lonely isn’t any fun – I guess fixing door knobs isn’t so bad after all.

 

 

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Useless Treasures

May19

“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empBlog - Pic 93ty; but now Mom needs me.”

OK, so my Mom’s a chronic pack rat. Some may called it hoarding. It could even be related to her OCD. But whatever you may call it, I call it a mess! Before we moved her out here you should have seen her house…. it was 35+ years of collecting things. My dad must have been the same way because he had “stuff” saved too. I mean things I can’t even imagine why they’d keep, like tops of bic pens, light bulbs that were burned out, empty tissue boxes, pens that were empty (and non-refillable), out dated articles, and loose change…. OK, the loose change I can see.

So when we did the clean up on Mom’s house prior to the move, we evacuated so much stuff. Most of it was garbage, and what we weren’t sure of (possible collectibles) we kept and boxed up. One thing I knew for sure is that it wasn’t coming to Cali! And every time I asked Mom why she was keeping it I got the same response, “I might need it some day.”

Now in California, Mom has started “collecting” again. I try my best to keep it under control by periodically grabbing a few empty yogurt containers, empty tissue boxes and empty bread bags off her counter and tossing them – she never misses them. But today I got the opportunity to REALLY clean things up… sort of.

The landlord was coming to view the property with the city inspector (I guess they do that for rental properties every few years) and I told Mom that she had to have everything cleared off her counters and tidy up the house so the inspector didn’t think she was hoarding. Oops! I shouldn’t have used that word. But I got the point across and she started putting things away. No… she didn’t throw things away, she put things away – in the cupboards. Well at least everything was out of site. She’ll probably forget that she put it away and I’ll be able to go in and trash it soon enough.

Her house actually looks great again – YAY!

What I Learned: Don’t upset the cart – just push it out of the way.

 

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Groundhog Day!

May16

Blog - Pic 92“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”

I was visiting with mom one Sunday and she asked if my husband and I were going out somewhere for work. I mentioned it was Sunday and we don’t go anywhere for business on the weekends. I’m not sure why, but for some reason that moment stuck with her.

Now it’s Tuesday – I stopped in to see Mom and I seemed to startle her when I walked in the back door. She looked at me and said, “I’m surprised to see you since you told me you were having an “alone day” since it’s Sunday.” First of all, I told her it was Tuesday and that I’ve never wanted an “alone day” ever. After arguing about that for some time, we figured out that Mom was either dreaming or hallucinating – I’m going with the second one.

Now it’s Wednesday – my husband and I are in a business meeting and I see that Mom has called through a few times. So I stepped out of the meeting to call her and make sure she was OK. I mentioned we were in a meeting and she said, “But it’s Sunday, you said you don’t go anywhere on Sundays.”

Now it’s Thursday – my husband and I are traveling and Mom calls to see if I’m home. I let her know that we are on the road and will be back later that evening. Then she says to me, “But it’s Sunday, you said you never go anywhere on Sundays.”  WOW – I wonder why she is stuck on Sunday? 

What I Learned: How fragile the mind can be… 🙁

Note: My post title references the movie Groundhog Day, 1993, where Bill Murray relives the same day over and over.

Caring For An Elderly Parent: One Too Many!

May12

Blog - Pic 60“This is  supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”

Today is Mother’s Day, so my  husband and  I decided to take Mom out to Olives’s Bistro, one of her favorite places to eat. I called to make the reservation, got the table Mom likes (they know us pretty well there), and off we went. You could tell Mom was so happy to be getting out – she couldn’t stop babbling the whole way there.

I figured I’d have a glass of wine but I asked our server about the happy hour bar specials – you never know, I may want something different for a change. Well…. that got Mom going on her Irish Mist (liqueur) rant. It’s the one alcoholic beverage she loves, as you may remember from a previous  post. Of course our server had never heard of it and even the bartender had not heard of it (I guess it’s more of a Canadian thing), but after Mom lectured our server on what it was, where it came from, how it tastes, how she hasn’t drank in 20 years, why they should have it…. yada, yada, yada, our server suggested she try Barenjager. After our server said he wouldn’t charge her if she didn’t like it, Mom decided to give it a “shot” – more like 2 shots!

Mom actually loved the Barenjager – it wasn’t Irish Mist (of course) but it was close! She had that first drink downed in no time and was talking up a storm. She asked me what the liqueur was called but she couldn’t understand what I was saying – she told me I talked funny. Yea, I’m sure it had nothing to do with the Barenjager. She had this shocked looked on her face as I kept telling her what it was, and then shouted out, “It’s called Baren N…. (N-word)?” Holy crap, cut her off! But she quickly accepted our servers offer for a second one – and that’s when it really got interesting.

Mom always has a hard time understanding conversations but with a little help from Barenjager it definitely seemed worse – of course I was the one talking funny and not making any sense. Even her hand gestures and “raspberrys” directed at my husband and me was something new. But she certainly was having a great time. We all were.

So after dinner we were all set to leave, and that’s when I realized the Barenjager had really kicked in. Mom doesn’t walk well – especially after sitting for long periods of time – but this time was much different. Her legs would just not cooperate – she walked like a drunken sailor – good thing I had a strong grip on her! And she talked to everyone as we passed by on our way out. She couldn’t say enough times how much fun she was having and how she so enjoyed her “blah, blah blah” drink (she never did understand the name).

We got Mom home safely and she giggled her way into her house. She kept say that it sure is a good thing that alcohol doesn’t affect her…. yea, right Mom.

It was truly a fun night – thanks Barenjager! And Happy Mother’s Day Mom! ♥

What I Learned: It’s great to loosen up, but I think we’ll have Mom stick to 1 drink.

 

 

 

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Tired of Being Tired

May9

Blog - Pic 33“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”

The weekend is here and this is the time my husband and I really enjoy our time together. We relax, we watch movies, we stay up late. Wrong night to stay up late! Mom called at 4 am sounding confused and disoriented and wanted me to go over and help her. Well I’ve only been in bed for a couple of hours and I’m in one of those dazed states – you know the one, where you’ve been in a deep sleep and then suddenly woken up. I try to help her over the phone so I don’t have to get my tired butt out of bed, but I succumb to her pleas.

So I get over there and Mom is sitting in her kitchen, obviously confused. I asked her if she knew what time it was and she said, “Yes, 4 in the afternoon”. Oh geeze…. I explained the actual time to Mom, asked what was going on and if she was OK. She told me she was hungry but was weak and didn’t feel like making anything. She then asked me to get her a piece of bread. Really? She called me over at 4 am to get her a piece of bread?

Unfortunately, being a little dazed and confused myself, I kinda lost it. I told Mom that it wasn’t right that she calls me at 4 am to get her a piece of bread and that if she needed that kind of assistance she needed to get a caregiver. Dang! That sounded mean.

After I calmed down and got Mom her piece of bread I apologized for “barking” at her. I made her something better to eat and sat with her for a while and then suggested she get some sleep. She did.

Next morning when I stopped over to make sure she was doing OK, she was in a fantastic mood and didn’t even mention our 4 am “chat”. Just as well…

What I Learned: Caring for my ageing parent is difficult at times, but it’s also difficult for Mom.

 

 

Caring For An Elderly Parent: I Wrote It Down

May5

Blog - Pic 90“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”

Here’s a little back history on my mom….  for as long as I can remember, my mom wrote notes for everything. But as she’s been ageing and beginning to lose her memory, she’s been keeping a log of her day to day events. Before she moved here she had sticky notes all around her house reminding her of every day tasks. Since she’s been living with us she hasn’t done the sticky note thing, but she does keep her note pad filled. OK, not a bad idea for remembering things – even I write things down so I don’t forget. But mom writes EVERYTHING down – the time she wakes up, when she goes to the bathroom, when she takes her meds (that’s a good one though), when and what she eats, if she hears noises, what time the lawn people come…. I mean everything!

I stopped in to see Mom when we got home from our busy day and she seemed in such a great mood. She told me she had a wonderful day and wasn’t confused of what day or time it was and everything was ticketyboo! I’m thinking, awesome! This is the way I love to see my mom. So I went in her kitchen to check her medication containers (like I always do) to make sure she had taken what was needed and I noticed that Friday’s pill was missing. Hmmm…. today is Thursday. So I questioned Mom and she said she was sure she did everything right because she wrote it down. I checked her note pad and sure enough she did write it down – unfortunately she also wrote down that today was Friday.

I explained what she had done but she didn’t want to accept the fact that she wrote the wrong day down – she even tried to blame it on her cell phone for saying the wrong day. And even though she was upset and getting angry, I let her know that it was not a big deal – I’d just move the pills around so that everything was placed right again. But that wasn’t good enough for her…. noooo. Now the reason for her writing the wrong day down was because I’m having her use the pill containers which she doesn’t like using. She never had a problem with writing things down before I made her use the containers!

Somehow I knew she was going to blame me.

Note: I got the pill containers to help Mom remember what days to take her meds. It’s also a great way for me to check that she is taking her meds properly – it obviously works for me!

What I Learned: Losing memory can be very hard for some – I know it is for Mom. I’m trying to be understanding.

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Days and Confused

May2

“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”

Today was crazy! Even I was confused. It actually started yesterday – here’s a rundown of tBlog - Pic 88he events:

Yesterday, Mom wanted to go for dinner but my husband and I were not really in the mood for that, so I mentioned to Mom that we’d see how our day went and let her know later. So later, when we got home, I went over to Mom’s to let her know that we would not be doing dinner – she was asleep on her sofa. So I called her name trying to wake her up (she always wants me to wake her up if she’s sleeping when I come in) and she mumbles something. I asked her if she wanted to keep sleeping and she said “yes”.

So a couple hours later I went back over and she was still asleep so I left. Again, a couple hours later I went back and she’s STILL sleeping (yes…. I checked – she was breathing!) So I left her a note that I was there a few times, put the time on the note and mentioned I’d see her tomorrow. I left the note on top of her cell phone so she wouldn’t miss it (the first thing she does when she wakes up is call me), and off I went to bed.

Today was busy for me and my husband – we had some meetings and travelling to do, so we were gone all day. Mom called me while we were on the road wondering if I was OK because I told her I’d be over and we’d maybe go for dinner. I explained to Mom where we were and she was wondering why I hadn’t been over to see her. I asked her if she got my note – she had not. [But I placed it on top of her cell phone – she would have had to move the note to call me…. hmmm].

So I gave her the run down of me stopping by yesterday but she wouldn’t believe me that she slept all that time. For some reason Mom doesn’t want anyone to know that she sleeps a lot – maybe sleeping is a sign of old age and “winding down” for her. So I told her I’d stop in when we got home even though it would be late – she seemed fine with that.

We got home earlier than expected – around 8 PM – and I stopped in to see Mom, even though I was tired from our long day. Mom was so confused about where the days went – she had no idea that she slept most of yesterday away and she wasn’t even sure if it was 8 o’clock in the morning or night. So after a long discussion of explaining what day it was and her arguing with me about sleeping yesterday away, I said my goodnights (there’s always a few because she tries to keep me as long as possible) and left – I think more confused than when I arrived!

What I Learned: My mom doesn’t want to accept the fact that she’s ageing – and I don’t blame her.

 

 

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Creative Caring (and maybe a lie or 2)

Apr28

Blog - Pic 85“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”

So Mom has been living with us for about 3 months now and I have to admit that it has been a little stressful. My husband and I are having a tough time adjusting to our new living arrangement and we’ve had more “discussions” about Mom than anything else. One good thing is that my husband and I have always been open and honest with each other and always tell each other what is on our minds. Maybe some of what was on our minds should have stayed there.

When I look back, I realize we truly didn’t understand what we were getting into. Everyone we talked to said “Don’t do it!”, and now I understand that those are the people that DID do it. They know how much of a strain it can have on a relationship and how much stress can come from caring for an elderly parent.

This is all so new to us and I can’t stress enough how important it is to talk with your significant other about how you feel, but most importantly about how they feel. When it all comes down to it, who is going to be there for you – not your ageing parent. So my theory – find the needs of my ageing parent without losing the needs of my spouse.

One of the hardest things I find to deal with is the fact that if I tell my mom the truth she turns it against me and makes me feel guilty. For example, one evening I told her my husband and I were going to go for a drive and have dinner. Well… wasn’t I a selfish person for not wanting to include her and why wouldn’t I think about taking her with us. That made me feel bad even though I really didn’t want to include her – I just wanted a nice outing with my husband – that made me feel guilty.  How do you explain to your mom that you don’t want to be with her without hurting her feelings?

So from here on in, my husband and I decided to handle situations so they worked for us. Yes, sometimes it involved not quite telling the truth, and some of the things we do may seem juvenile to some, but it works for us. I don’t feel guilty about doing it either because I am taking control of my life and this is the only way it will work having Mom live with us.

What I Learned: Get creative in the way you handle situations with an ageing, elderly parent.